When we started this blog the recession was far far away over the horizon and not even a certainty at all. While for precious few it remains a figment of some else’s imagination and a scapegoat for those wanting to unscrupulously fire employees, for many others it a tangible and stinging reality. For the benefit of the more pro-active people out there, we’d like to take a shift from denial to problem solving for one post only, before heading straight back to the deep dark cave of protestation (albeit with more frequent posting). For those list-ophiles, we’re retaining that format for this brief foray into positivity.

Problem

We appear to have a problem wherein the recession is causing people around the world to mare (definition) for reasons of which we are all very much aware and will not go into today (although the potential for wearing unfashionable clothing and sporting ugly hair, i.e.: regression to the 80′s, as well as the gloating from the post-recession people of the future would both be major players in this feeling of gloom). As an alternative to this approach, we would suggest a rational and optimistic course in realising that this is a normal part of an economic cycle, has happened before and will happen again, each time without all-out calamity. Anywho, the problem should be dealt with accordingly and we’ve taken this opportunity to give an outline of proposed solutions. Feel free to show these to your nearest or kindest government.
Solutions currently in place

As far as we can tell there’s only one solution being tried (it’s number 1 in this list) so if anyone has any suggestions, we welcome them with open arms!

1. The world now has Obama… and therefore an immensely more positive atmosphere.
2. Puppies… Yes, puppies. They’re cute, and can really help during the recession. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Check this out, and then come back. Didn’t I tell you? Anyway…

Proposed solutions

1. Abandon the word recession. Changing the name will cause people to take a few more seconds remembering what it is and thus they will remain optimistic and happy for longer. Every little counts.
2. Although we do not encourage media restrictions or ignorance perhaps the newsreader saying only the first digit of the total jobs lost on any given day would be helpful. That way people can have the choice of either Googling the real figure (perhaps even taking bets on it) or they can simply continue to live in blissful ignorance and have a great time.
3. While we’re renaming stuff, let’s change G.D.P  to mean Great Damn Party. France a higher GDP than us? Well, we better get to work (in party mode, obviously).
4. Throw more money from the federal reserve into debts to help momentarily stimulate the market and continue the circle. Oh wait, no.
5. Listen to Gary Newman’s “Cars” over and over again… sure why not?
6. Cook more. Using this woman’s recipes. What. A. Legend.

By the by, we’re hearing things about a recession movie…

And a truly belated Valentines card.Thank us later.

So, in summation: Goodnight, good luck and be happy.

Wassup

Homer’s voting issues

After all, if you can’t get around to writing a post, just stick up a couple of videos. 

Ps: We’re still ignoring the recession.

• Happiness has been found to be contagious
• A new president was elected in the United States of America
• Hallowe’en spending was at an all-time high 
• And, oddly enough, French men say they need bigger condoms. Fair enough.

Clearly people are taking our Guide to ignoring the recession part one to heart with our words of wisdom: “Spend money on silly things, like large hats, obscure art and anything purple.”  Last time we presented you with a list of things to do. In this edition, we present the:

7 things NOT to do.

Do not:

And above all, do not:

• admit that it’s happening. We can’t stress this enough. If we ignore it, it will go away.

So remember:

If you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem, so fight the recession with ignorance!

9 Things to do to ignore the recession

• Refuse to listen to or use words like “recession”, “looming”, “disastrous”, “job losses”, “economic instability” or “difficult times.” None of these words need exist as far as you are concerned. In fact, if you do hear those words, react by placing your hands over your ears and making baby noises.

• If you feel worried about the recession, immediately distract yourself with some form of entertainment, whether it be a free game of squash or an expensive banquet. After all, it’s not like we’re in a recession.

• If you’re finding “it” really difficult to ignore, distract yourself with ludicrous Youtube videos; for example, Sarah Palin explaining that she reads all the newspapers… “y’know, all of them”, or maybe the one where she explains her foreign policy experience… both are equally ridiculous.

• Now is the time to make that revolutionary invention you’ve been planning, especially if you somehow find yourself at home, jobless and with a lot of time on your hands.

• Become an artist, and let your talents flourish in the now perfect conditions.

• Spend money on silly things, like large hats, obscure art and anything purple.

• Move country. Constantly. Especially to a country where you can’t speak the local language. This will result in  you not being able to understand what the news reporters are saying. Instant ignorance bliss!

• Of course, you could always turn to drink. It’s not really the healthiest option in the world, but sure isn’t it a social way to spend your evenings?

• Finally, embrace denial with open arms. State frankly and openly that you are ignoring the recession, and maybe even wear an ironic t-shirt.

After all

“Isn’t an economic crisis like a problem in your sex life? It’s best just not to talk about it. It’ll just go away, it’ll work itself out!”

- Colbert Report

2) Any D4 eliteness could disappear, resulting in a sounder population.

3) We had fun before we had no money, all those hundreds of years with lots of craic and Gay Byrne and Zig and Zag and farming. We love farming!

4) Education could become more important, which would mean a lot for all those 15 year olds currently spending far too much time on fake tan, blonde hair and alcopops. God help that they actually think about growing up, getting jobs and contributing to the economy.

5) Less money for porn means more time to spend with the family.

6) Less money for heroine means fewer scumbags, scumming up the place. Then again, it might mean more people saying “Gimme yer wallet or I’ll stab ya with AIDS”.

7) Less money for knives means Limerick becomes safer. In theory.

Photo owned by Simon Davison (cc)

(11:35:22 PM) Lisa: it feels like were going downhill either way
(11:35:41 PM) Lisa: i havent heard anyone say or write anything optimisitic
(11:35:57 PM) Lisa: a bit of “oh this will blow over”would be nice!
(11:36:02 PM) Conor P: Yeah!
(11:36:12 PM) Conor P: Let’s make an optimistic blog!
(11:36:16 PM) Lisa: yeah!!

Us Irish are awful for our pessimism! So, knowing in our heart of hearts that it’s all fake and made up and stuff (oh yes, we’ve heard the rumours and will talk about that loads), we decided to combat the overwhelming pessimism of the financial world by bashing out some more humourous ideas every now and again. Actually, for me, The Daily Show makes me laugh about all of it. Which is always good. So, drop by every now and again, sign up to the RSS feed, or send us an e-mail (dontpanicitsallfake[at]gmail[dot]com). And really, don’t panic. Sure, we’ve been through a fair few recessions before, and we’ve got through it all fine.

Hope you enjoy it,

Conor & Lisa.

Photo owned by deardarling, (cc)